Tiamat's Den

I guess it's time I start posting better things.  I've been describing my trials and tribulations looking for work, adjusting to work, getting blindsided by what I thought I knew but didn't, and ruminating on past events.

Work is going well.  The project manager has no issue with how I'm doing.  That complicated piece I was working on is currently put on hold, but once it starts up again, there are some difficult problems to solve.  I plan to face it full force when that occurs.  I may find it prudent, however, to set their expectations about the problems that have yet to be solved.

I'll get my next paycheck next week, and I'll finally have some extra spending money.  I'd like to get a couple hard drives and re-install my machine with RAID 1 (not sure if I'll go with Windows 7 yet).  I could stand to replace my printer's toner cartridge, and Dragon Age looks very interesting - it will be the first video game I'll purchase in over a year.

There are a few RPG PDFs I'd like to get, I'd liek to pre-order Kill Doctor Lucky (might be good for a giggle at the Xmas get-together), and one of these days I'd like to upgrade to dual-screen LCD monitors on my home machine (work spoiled me bad).

Today, I think I'll see Paranormal Activity.

Also, TTopRPG will be one of the platforms supporting Rite Publishing's upcoming patronage project, The Breaking of Forstor Nagar.  I'm trying to keep up with the MapTool screenshots (I've been posting companion screens on TTopForums), and every new one I see gives me ideas about how TTopRPG can be improved.  I don't plan to add too much to TTop, though, since I want it to maintain that compact feel.  I stopped in on a game during my lunch break, and a compliment I got on the program made me realize how much I enjoy developing on it and providing it to the players.

After seeing Paranormal Activity: Other than the d-heads behind me burping and making their wisecracks, I had a pretty good time.  But when I watched the trailer, I saw too much.  Shame that.  Sadly, I don't think it's worth getting the DVD.  I wanted to like it more than that.  It was worth the first time see, though.

Despite my relief, the fact that this piece of the project has been worked on and handed off from three other programmers already makes it hard to go through.

I need to be concerned with how it is supposed to work, how it acconplishes what it does already in code, and be ready to deal with enhancements or fixes.  The code isn't complete, even though I was told "the algorithms are already written".

I was asked if I could spend time this weekend on it just to keep the momentum going.  I haven't been feeling good about it at all.  Most of last week was spent trying to get it to work the way it is and stomping out little fires and putting in little fixes just so it could be tested.

The code is hard to follow.  There is no initial written spec.  And the code, like the rest in the project, isn't documented at all.

So, this weekend will be spent studying the code, figuring out how it accomplishes what is already does and comparing that to how it's really supposed to work.

I'm not at the anxiety levels I was at 4 years ago, and I'm not concerned about going that far since the other factors in my life that tore me down are no longer there.  But I didn't wake up this morning happily at all.

I'm going to give myself a little bit of my own day, then figure out how I'll proceed, and get to it.

When I explained my situation to the project manager, he told me it was pretty much what he was expecting (that I wouldn't have things working and that even getting a working screen would probably take the better part of the week).

We'll be having a meeting tomorrow to clarify issues, etc.

Whew.

In 3 weeks I need to complete work on functionality that was only partially completed before.  The problem is that new development has already taken place around it without concern about how this new development is supposed to function.  And already I've run into some roadblocks that may prevent the testers from being able to test the first portion of it.  And this is just the first type of policy.  Two other types of policies will need the same work, and they have received even less treatment.

I'm horribly discouraged about getting this work done even after only one day.

This place programs fast and furious, and I need to be able to look at work that was already done before and figure out what I need to do to get my piece running.  But I don't want to throw a wrench into future work either.  And I don't want to finish future work before it is scheduled to start, but I may need to in order to complete this piece, since full testing requires that some future work actually be completed.

This puts me in a hard place.  I'll speak with the project manager today, because as it stands, I'm already behind.  I haven't shown any real ability to learn what I need to do to complete complex work by examining what has already been programmed before.  If I don't understand it entirely, the work won't get done.  And I can't understand it by just looking at the code.  The sad part is, there isn't anything else to look at.

This is an even harder position I'm in than new development I had to do back in '97 that got me in way over my head.  And I'm much better at new development.

Wow, I really haven't posted in a while.

I've been really exhausted the past couple weeks, from a combination of mental activity and some amount of concern.

The finances are fine.  I'm all set there.  In a few more weeks I'll finally have extra money in my pocket.

Work, however, varies.  My attitude is better today, but for a small while there it wasn't good at all.  Mostly from not being up to speed as much as I'd like and not always agreeing with how things are done where I work.  Ultimately, doing things fast is best.  But I also like to do what the client wants and what is fully analyzed and correct.  But things are cropping up so close to release, and if I need to figure out what is causing errors in the program, it brings me to a dead stop because it requires such a knowledge of the system to quickly solve and troubleshoot the problem.  They put some things in place to help figure out where to investigate errors when they occur, but still, it's an art using the information and I hate not knowing how to investigate and solve these issues, plus getting overwhelmed in too many details.

For the past couple days, however, I've been working on some new development to enhance validations on a policy.  It's going well and allows me to feel productive while the others troubleshoot and work on the more crucial aspects of the production release.  I'd hate to slow them down working on something that I just can't effectively do yet.  And I hope that when I do get up to speed that I can teach someone else new that comes on board without tossing them into a problem and seeing how well they can figure things out on their own.  Then again, maybe they will be able to do that a lot better than I can.  I'd feel better if I could.  It puts me in a certain place not being able to do so without a good grounding of knowledge to work with.

I'm getting more of the hang of it.  Some things are still a bit overwhelming though.  I really need to understand their system at a deep level before I can feel competent.

I didn't get as much in my first paycheck as I was hoping.  But it was enough to keep me exactly even for the month (meaning the next rent will be late just like it was this month).  That also means that my next check will be mostly spent to catch up on the missing rent.  Which means October's check will be the first where I actually have extra money.  And of course that extra money will have to go to other things I should catch up on (car needs work, eyes checked, teeth cleaned...).

Sigh.  Ah well.  It beats homelessness.  At least this month I still have a few weeks of food stamps left.

Has it been this long?

Work was wearing me out.  So much learning, confusion.

But today I was seriously productive.  I'm helping to convert a demo to French for a company that Sterling wants to seal the deal with.

The project head thinks I'm catching on quickly, doing very well, and is expressing the same to the owner that hired me.  So things are looking up.

Things were pretty overwhelming on Tuesday morning, but things got much better.

I've learned a lot of little things and was even productive here and there.  Next week, I'll be getting more serious training.  I heard the team talking about how they might train me next week.  They even stepped into the meeting room to discuss it.

It's a real nice work environment.  I feel more than ready to put my nose to the grindstone.  I'm still a little dodgy on thinking I'm being thorough enough with my testing knowing so little about the system.  But I've put in a few extra hours already.  And getting up early isn't nearly as hard now as it was back at my other job, so long ago.  I was just miserable back then - but it wasn't just the job.  Still, this one is worlds better.

I'm not amazed yet, but I'm thinking I will be.

I wanted to tell everyone how right God has been, but everyone on the outside could just as easily see my fortune as something else.  A pillar of fire carving words into rocks or a light shining through the clouds I guess would be more convincing.  But I'm thinking I've been hearing Him all this time after all.

So here it is.  Tomorrow will be my first morning in a long while that I have to report to work.

I'm a little ambivalent about it.  Not the work part, but how everything proceeds from here.  How will I be received?  What will they expect of me?  How much assistance will I get getting up to speed?

I'd like to post my experiences here, but apparently, some people get in trouble talking about their workplaces in public fashion online.  So, I'll have to be careful.

We'll see how this goes.

They gave me an advance to help me get my affairs in order.  Along with my first paycheck next month, I should be mostly caught up with everything (although the credit card will need some care).

I've been looking at design patterns and .NET data sets as recommended by the president of the company.

I start on Monday.  I have to retrain myself to get up early.  I'm doing alright at it.

Today I studied all of the design patterns at once from a website.  Search on  '<design pattern> C#' and it's usually the first page that comes up.  I comprehended all of the samples and the code strategy.  I don't know how any of it will apply or how much I'll need it, but I'll find out.

I also received a design patterns book today (Head First Design Patterns) that gave me my first good dose of what design patterns are about.  Unfortunately the binding is already damaged on it.  Also, since I spent all morning studying the websites, my brain is dry on learning potential.  The book even recommends taking a break when that happens.  At least now I know my capacity for learning, currently.

"It will be easy, and a great job."

We'll see.  You haven't been wrong yet.  Still waiting to be amazed.  The advance was a very good start.

I just got a call from an employer in Troy, MI.  Sterling Computer Consultants.  I start on July 13th.

Whew.

I need to stare at the wall for a while.

Except from worry, but that comes and goes.

The landlord is willing to work with me throughout the month regarding my payment.  I signed up for another credit card and got a $500 limit.  I guess maybe I should have taken the $8000 pre-approved one that was available 2 months ago, but I didn't see any benefit to increasing my debt.  Now I just need to hold out any way I can.

More job searches today, and I should put up my Star Wars toys on craigslist.  Sadly, they aren't worth as much as I hoped.

I put up a number of 3.5 splat books, but no one has replied.  Maybe that means no one would want all my Dragon and Dungeon magazines either.  I'd much prefer not to sell those anyway.

I woke up this morning not having a clue what I'll do.

Tomorrow I have to sit down again with my landlord and tell her I won't have enough for all the rent, and this time I don't know how I'll collect enough money to pay the full amount before an eviction notice goes out.  The state won't help me with rent if I'm not employed.

God reminded me again that I'm here where I am because of Him, and He will take care of me.  I really really wish I knew what He has planned.  He assured me he isn't testing my faith.  He isn't planning to put me through a difficult time just to make sure I stay on His side.  He says it will all be easy, that I suffered enough.

(I know the extent of my own suffering, regardless of whether or not anyone else thinks I've suffered enough.  So I won't invite that debate here)

Believing that eased my pain.  But sometimes I just wake up in a very bad state of mind.

...

By the way, Transformers 2 is as bad as all the critics are saying.  Know that, and only pay matinee price, and you might enjoy yourself a little.

I've been fiddling with some more advanced aspects of ASP.NET today.  Or rather, trying to see if I could build a page out of data myself instead of using the automatic controls of ASP.NET.

All I wanted to do was display three names, each with a radio button, allowing the user to select one, click Continue, and have the page refresh, telling the user which one they selected.

HTML radio buttons use the 'name' field to determine which radio buttons are grouped.  This way when you select one, the other radio buttons automatically clear.  Apparently, when ASP.NET generates radio buttons using a Repeater control, it gives the radio buttons a 'safe' name, and for each of them, it's different... which prevents the radio buttons from clearing.  How to combat this? Set up a Javascript routine that has to run on the browser to clear all the other radio buttons when you click one.

I was hoping ASP.NET woudl be automatic enough to not require such workarounds.

I still have yet to solve the problem of detecting which radio button I selected on a postback, since I can't code up events for each of them because they are generated inside a Repeater.  I may need to set another control (like a label) to the value of the radio button I clicked using Javascript so the form can send that value along.

Really nasty.  I feel sorry for people starting web development using ASP.NET.  You're much better off establishing a strong foundation for processing web pages in PHP or old ASP before trying ASP.NET.  I'm glad I did.

...

As it turns out, I could simplify my problem by falling back on lower level html code to prevent ASP.NET from modifying the names.  I've had to do that before with HyperLink controls as well.  ASP.NET is finicky.  Or rather, it doesn't always care what you're trying to do.

I have an interview on Monday in Troy.  A co-worker let me know about another possible opportunity near where I live.  So I have something to hope for throughout the weekend.

And to dread.  Because next week, rent is coming up.

ASP.NET learning continues.  And I tutored someone in math.

...

God: "I am the reason you're here.  It was all me."

Me: "Why did you let this go on so long?  I already owe some companies money.  I'm already behind.  In two weeks I'll be kicked out."

God: "Trust me."

Me: "Sigh.. alright."

Nothing I tried seemed to matter enough anyway, although all the forced learning I've been doing has been good for me.

Some posts recently have been me just getting things off my chest.

I don't have anything to say today that I haven't said already.  I'm continuing to learn ASP.NET (learned some scary things about LINQ today).  I also found a couple stupid bugs that I let through on TTop, so I fixed those and uploaded a new version.

Otherwise, not much new happening.

And still waiting for something amazing to happen so I can tell everyone.

I haven't given up, I just don't know what I'm going to do.

People are in worse situations than me.  People with families.  Hungry children.  And as much as I hate my situation, as much as I feel like giving up and breaking down as an expression of my frustration, I can only wonder how those people worse off than me deal with their lives.  It must be wrenching.

Plenty of people have worked a lot harder than me, I'll admit, even though I busted my tail trying to prove myself at the job when I first started so many years ago, and got in way over my head, ending up jaded.  I think my attitude is better now.  I'm ready to do hard work again, in its simplest form.  I've been ready.

I keep feeling tempted to see it as hopeless.  God tells me not to.  He tells me it will be easy.  What will be easy?  "Don't give up", He says.  I feel His sympathy.  It drops me to tears, expressing honest sympathy for my own situation without quite feeling sorry for myself.

I wish someone had my answer.  I wish I knew if I was really hearing Him.

I'm ok for 9 days.  Then rent is due.  Then I'll have to sell more things that I don't even know will sell.  I could lose my internet service, keeping me from looking for jobs, although I could set myself up with dial-up service.  At least I have their number written down so I don't have to google it now..  I'm also behind on the credit card now (which I used to preserve my bank account for a long time, and now that all this time has passed, with all the monthly payments I've made, and the balance I still have, not using it at all would have been best.).  My health insurance will go unpaid.  I've reduced my car insurance so I'll have money to live, but no coverage for myself if I'm in an accident.  And there is no way I can last until the end of next month without having to give up so much.

What can I say?  I can complain.  What good would it do?  Who can I tell?  I've asked for help.  Agencies point me to ways to find jobs.  I look.  I apply.  They aren't calling.  If I had a better job network, I'd probably have something by now.  Maybe.

What do I need to settle for?  And if I knew the answer to that question, where then would I go, and how would I find the work?

I really wish I knew.

I haven't gotten any nasty calls from my credit card company yet, but I have gotten a few of them.  I had great standing with them since '92, so that counts for something.  But I got yet another call this morning, and it's getting to me.

...

I'll be getting back into ASP.NET coding again this weekend.  For now I'm trying to finish up expanded macro functions in TTop (although already I've have a couple more requests from users I seeked feedback from.  It's neverending, it seems.  I just hope what I'm working on gets used).

...

Time to get cleaned up and head to the FLGS to pick up my Pathfinder Bonus Bestiary.  Someone suggested I get two so that someone I know can have one (his FLGS is too far away to get one).  I'll see what I can do.

...

Mission accomplished.  I think I can finish up my latest TTop changes today and keep going on ASP.NET tomorrow.  Next week will be rough though.  Rent time is coming, and I won't have enough.  I've practiced programming, applied, had a few interviews, but I feel powerless about doing better than I have.  I just don't know what people do in these situations.

I imagine people saying, "In your situation I would just go to *** and I'd have a job in a week."

I finally started seriously digging into ASP.NET over the past two days.  Many of my primary questions have been answered, thanks to a couple of other programmers.  My work with PHP and ColdFusion really set up what I think is a good approach to how a web script initializes, processes input (and moves to a different page if necessary), retrieves the latest data to display, then displays it.

I still have a few questions about ASP.NET that I hope to get answered before I go too far with it.  I figure I'll make an eCommerce site.  I'm tired of coding forums.  Maybe I can make a C# or VB .NET app that allows an admin to add product descriptions and reports on sales while the web side allows customers to purchase products.  I don't know the proper way to represent inventory and sales in a database.  I could go the simple route and just store remaining stock quantity in a single field, but I don't know what kind of additional inventory tracking that companies want.

...

The money situation is grim.  I need to figure out what else to put up on Cragslist.  I didn't want to sell my dining room set, but I may have to.  The hits I did get last month weren't too encouraging.  One user tried to scam me, another expressed some interest but wanted more details before committing.  I'm nervous about getting a check (cashier or otherwise) that doesn't clear.

I have money to spend for an emergency, but I'm now late on Consumers (I'll call them today), and I have phone (cheap), cellular (cheap), health insurance (I have a Michigan Medicaid card now, but I have yet to receive information on which doctor I'm supposed to use, and my better health coverage is expecting payment soon), car insurance (I'll ask them to drop it to minimal coverage to reduce the monthly payment), cable/internet (which I'm behind on, and can't search for jobs at home or program effectively if I lose it) and rent.  I won't even talk about the credit card payment (well, one thing - I can pay the overdue amount by the end of the month without taking a credit hit).

...

God wants me to take a break today.  My gut clenches when I feel like I should be doing more.  I don't know if I can just sit here that long.  I should at least call Consumers and ask about making a partial payment.
 

I had my preliminary interview last Wednesday.  I guess it went ok.  It turns out they are using ColdFusion to convert their in-house website over.  I had never heard of ColdFusion, I assumed it was some PHP framework.  Nope - Adobe purchased it.  It's Yet Another Server Scripting Language(tm).  So, I've been learning that (downloaded ColdFusion8 and started a local server, and a trial of Dreamweaver CS4, which has syntax interpreters for PHP and Coldfusion, kind of nice).  ColdFusion is a wonky language though.  It prefers that you put some things in cf tags, like queries.  Lots of other code, however can be written more like C code inside cfscript blocks.  The differences between each are signifcant enough to make me wonder why the makers didn't support the same syntax in both.  Oh well, I'm working through it.  What took 10 days in PHP will probably only take 4 in ColdFusion, only because I know exactly how I'll be doing it now.

...

I saw a youtube video the other day with a young intelligent sounding man talking logically about God.  His argument was that if God is all powerful and omniscient, then He already knows whether or not you're going to Hell, and because of that, He can't be all loving and there can't be true free will.

It's strange yet understandable how people will drive a logical argument to a point without simplifying the facts and looking at the situation from a more realistic standpoint.  Yes, God already knows.  But just because He knows doesn't mean we don't have a choice.  I don't believe anything God does keeps choice out of our lives.  If you want it to be left up to God whether or not you're going to Hell, He's handing it right back and leaving it up to you.  He already knows.  But the choice is yours.

I was making my bed tonight in my tired stupor, wondering if God is really there.  Immediately I felt a sudden wash of certainty.  Either I'm being reminded He is very much there, or I don't want to do without the notion.

I just wish He'd tell me what He wants me to do.  Most times, He tells me I'm already doing it.